She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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