First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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