Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize