I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.