i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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