I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
