I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize