eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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