I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
