I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Rumble strips road head = magical
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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