I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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