she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
