needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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