Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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