I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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