I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
