Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
