it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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