Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
