Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
