Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
