After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
