dude i'm inner monologue high
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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