I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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