This dress was meant to end up on your floor
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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