I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
