Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
