Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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