If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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