that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sarcasm needs its own font
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Still dying that you shit outside
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
