Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
