Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
