Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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