If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The struggles of a small town man whore
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
