Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
