The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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