I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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