Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The best revenge is premature balding
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
