I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So much rum. So many feels.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
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My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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