omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i love accidental penises.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
