i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
