you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
