I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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