I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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