your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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