Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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