Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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