Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
