you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
