from now on my penis is your penis
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
