i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
