Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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