i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
