You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
