Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
